


And all I loved, I loved alone.

by akissontitan



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Trans Character, lithromantic character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-04 10:36:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1079993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akissontitan/pseuds/akissontitan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Connie is in love with Reiner and Bert, and he doesn't mind that they don't love him back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And all I loved, I loved alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Lithromantic - Used to describe a person who can feel romantic attraction, but who doesn't require any love back in order to feel fulfilled. Read more [here](http://lithromantic.tumblr.com).
> 
> I read Connie as a poly-lithromantic trans boy.
> 
> Title from a piece by Edgar Allan Poe:  
>  _From childhood’s hour I have not been_  
>  _As others were; I have not seen_  
>  _As others saw; I could not bring_  
>  _My passions from a common spring._  
>  _From the same source I have not taken_  
>  _My sorrow; I could not awaken_  
>  _My heart to joy at the same tone;_  
>  _And all I loved, I loved alone._

Truthfully, Connie used to wonder if the way he felt about Reiner and Bertholdt was a bit strange. He liked Reiner first – liked him so, so much, the kind but firm way he spoke, his gentle smile, the way he idly drummed out a beat on the table during dinner. He liked Reiner, but Connie fell in love when he found the missing piece he never knew he needed in the form of Bertholdt Fubar.

Sometimes Connie would lie in his bed and think about the two of them – he found that Bertl was kind of the opposite of Reiner in many ways, feminine but not graceful or confident. Occasionally he’d even think about them kissing, which he knew they did. It was the worst-kept secret in the whole camp, and although Sasha looked sorry for him when she first told him weeks ago that she’d seen them making out after dark, he really felt no jealousy. It wasn’t his place to be jealous, Reiner was never his to begin with, and he loved them both so much that he was just perfectly happy knowing that they were happy together.

He still doesn’t know the word for it, or if there even is a word for it, but Connie kind of prefers it this way. His heart hurts when he sees them together, but it’s a happy kind of hurt, a little flutter that makes him smile and wriggle sometimes, if no one’s looking. He tries not to stare and he certainly doesn’t spy on them, but lately they’ve been getting braver – holding hands at the dinner table, little touches on each others’ waists when they pass in doorways. Connie even saw Reiner sneak a single kiss to Bertl’s neck in the showers a few nights ago. He’s proud of them.

A few of them invent a new game one evening and stay up playing it late enough that they all know they’ll regret losing the sleep in the morning, but are too far gone to really care. They don’t have a name for it, but the idea is that they take turns daring each other to do or say stuff, and it’s actually really fun. Connie gets dared to kiss Reiner, so he does. It’s not a bad kiss, or so Connie assumes. The only person he’s actually kissed before is Armin, and he doesn’t count, because everyone’s kissed Armin. Connie is surprised by how little he feels – he expected to get the fluttery heart thing tenfold, but instead his head felt completely clear, not fuzzy and warm like when he thinks about how good Reiner did in training or the way Bertholdt giggles whenever Connie makes a funny face. 

Connie had ever given it that much thought, but he decides afterward that he wouldn’t really care if he never kissed one of the men he loved ever again. Coming to that realisation was simple. Convincing himself that that was an okay and normal way to feel took an hour-long conversation with Armin scratching his scalp, but Connie didn’t mind that at all. Being with Armin is like being with family. Family with an incredibly talented tongue and a gift for massaging breasts with binder strain back to health.

When Reiner and Bert finally announce that they’re dating, not a single fellow member of the 104th has the decency to act surprised. Even Eren, who apparently actually hadn’t figured it out, only raised his eyebrows for a moment and muttered a ‘Huh. Makes sense’. Connie leaves his congratulations until last, when most people have already moved from the mess hall towards the showers, and he’s free to let out the massive, giddy grin he’s been holding in. He can feel himself blushing as he embraces them both, or tries to, one arm wrapped around each of their waists and face buried in the fabric of one of their shirts. Probably Bertholdt’s, Reiner isn’t quite as warm. He tries to say something in case one of them thinks he’s being weird, but all that comes out is a strangled croaking sound that betrays to them all exactly how close he is to crying, so he shuts his mouth and tightens his grip around them instead. They hug back and Connie’s knees go weak from all the flips his heart is doing. Reiner ruffles the skin where his hair should be, a goofy little motion that never fails to make them both giggle, and Bert lets out a breath that Connie assumes he’s been holding for a while now.

“Love ya, babyboy.” Reiner slaps his butt in a way only Reiner could make platonic, and when Connie pulls back to give him the finger he can see that the two boys have eyes rimmed with tears. 

Sometimes Connie wonders if they know how he feels about them. Sometimes he’s afraid he shouldn’t feel this way at all. As he watches the two of them clasp hands and lean ever so slightly closer to each other, Connie finds that this is is not one of those times.


End file.
